Tiff Loves Kids (on prayer and walking with God)

I held my youngest nephew in my arms tonight as he slept. I stared at his perfect little nose, long eye lashes and gently kissed the palms of his tiny little hands as he rested peacefully on my chest. My eyes welled up with tears as I held him. I love him so much. Even after experiencing being an aunt for the first time with my first nephew, I didn't know I could love another person this much. 
Especially one that is not mine.

I'm around kids all the time. I have a big family with lotso little ones running around, I teach Kindergarten through 2nd grade, volunteer in kids church and I often watch friend's kids so they can get a break every now and then. I'm cool with the kiddos. They're easy for me to relate with...and honestly, I just feel a strong sense of belonging with kids that I don't find with adults.

Because I'm around kids all the time, I've found that I need to put up some pretty high emotional walls so that I don't feel the full capacity of loneliness, later on. I have a strong desire to nurture kids and help them feel wanted. I've always known I would teach children that they are loved, important and capable. I just haven't always known what capacity that would take place in.

 At school, there have been a few kids, over the years, with difficult home lives that have said to me they wished they could live with me. I can't explain the joy this has brought my life. To know that there is a kid out there who sees some potential in me. That they think I would do a good job of taking care of someone else. That they love me and would trust me to take care of them. It's also a little disheartening. Mostly for the kid. I wish the best for all of my students. Also, a little for me. To know that after taking care of other people's children almost every day, I go home to a kind of lonely life on my own. 

I've accepted it and it's not all bad all the time, but I think a lot of women will understand this. For some of us, we just don't care that much about living a life for ourselves. We find great worth and identity in using our gifts to take care of someone else. 

I know I'm not the only woman who has found herself in this place in life. I'm not the type of girl who needs to be married with kids. I like taking care of myself most of the time and I'm not willing to put up with a guy that doesn't know how to value a partnership and healthy Christ-centered relationship. It's hard for me to even be in a relationship with a person, let alone allow myself to consider starting a life with someone...and I'm 27 and I'm not getting any younger, hah. Dating and relationships often leave me feeling even more lonely than when I am not with someone. That may be a result of my shy personality or dating the wrong type of men. I also believe, that it has been God trying to get my attention. Encouraging me to draw closer to him.

Ya know, there's a type of lady that drives me crazy. It's that baby crazed female who is on a mission to land a man and reproduce to finally reach the apex of womanhood. Why does this type of female bother me? Maybe it's the ounce of feminist in me, or for obvious reasons, haha; but maybe also because as much as I wish I couldn't...I do actually understand a smidgen of how she feels. To be confused as to why God places a desire in your heart that physically you are reminded of constanly...and may not be able to fulfill...and I have to say... this has made me angry for a long time.

Holding my sweet nephew tonight, I was reminded that I don't want to be a woman who hides the incredible love in her heart from the little ones in her life that God has blessed her with. My littlest nephew, he needs more people in his life to love him and support his parents. An aunt who will pray for him, encourage him, and be there for him if he ever needs me... and this is a very precious role that God has blessed me with. I hope I'm a decent aunt to him, cause I'm the only one he has! ;)

Maneuvering this season (whether it be temporary or permanent in my life), I am understanding this. Happily ever after does not start after. You have to live in it now. Some days may be glowing with love and fulfillment, while others may be a little hard to get through. It's ok to be sad. It doesn't mean that you are weak or aren't worth as much as others who have these things in their life. Never stop talking to God. He cares for you.

I've been praying more lately. Because even though it's easier to shut your mind off at the end of the day and not think of things that have bothered you or made you feel sad...it's healthy to talk with God about it and leave it at his feet. He is with you always and created you in love to have companionship with him. He wants a personal relationship with you.

This Psalm is a really beautiful reminder of our relationship with God. I'm challenging myself to read this daily. As much as we convince ourselves, trying to hide our hearts from God only hurts us. He already knows us better than we know ourselves anyway!
-His hand will guide us everywhere we go. Even the darkness will not be dark to him. The night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to God. He is all powerful. We can trust him to know us and take care of us.-

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Goodnight, friends!
Hope you're taking care of yourselves. :)