Dear future husband, (My perspective on dating/ relationship/ future spouses)

Disclaimer: I have a feeling this may be hard to read  and may receive some judgment because this is not a typical perspective in our world today, but it's my perspective and the only one I want.

Hey boy hey,

(Don't worry. I'm editing this so that I don't invade my personal boundaries on the interwebs. We'll talk more in the future. :P)

These thoughts have been a long time coming, and at some points were nearly given up on. I've had some clarity with the subject of you lately; and I want to write it down for us so that I can remind myself of it when I start to act up again. ;) We both know I lose focus pretty regularly.

Is it time yet?
I'm 27 now and the familia and friends think that I am not putting enough effort into finding you. They tell me not to be shy and that I just need a little practice with putting myself out there. Talking to boys has never been my strong suit and never will be. I'm very ok with that. I have a feeling you will be too.

 Many have tried to set me up in hopes of finding you, to no avail. Because of these efforts, I am extremely private about all "hey, I like you" situations. I've pursued some pretty half  hazard quasi-relationships with guys in hopes of figuring out who I was and what kind of a person I would want to spend most of my days with. Most, who did not understand my heart and did a crap job of taking care of it. A few, in particular, who did not value it and just used me to make themselves feel good. I knowingly accepted this because I thought that's what it took to date, put yourself out there, live with no regrets...and if I'm honest...it's very hard to wait for you for so long. Loneliness can be disheartening and seriously mess with your self esteem. I've been pretty foolish with who I've give pieces of my heart to with dating, and for that I'm sorry.

I love you, but I am not looking for you.
Let me explain.
I have prayed for you since I was a little girl. I have talked to God about you, most nights (with the exception of some angry and dark periods of my life in which, I closed my heart to the possibility of you). However, I never really hoped  for you or dreamed of you. When I was super young I would pray that God would keep you safe and remind you that I loved you. Slowly my prayers progressed into: help him to make wise choices, protect his heart, give him a good day, surround him with love, pleaseeeee help him to love music so I can respect him, keep dem hos away from my man, help him develop a deep love and passion for you, God, help him grow into a man that will lead me in my faith and change my flat tires. :) I didn't have a wedding planned out or dream of a beautiful wedding dress. I probably won't ever get real silly over that stuff either.
I'm the kind of girl that would accept a marriage proposal with a twisty tie on our way home from work. Amber says I shouldn't admit that and I might need to raise my standards on that one. Hah! She's probably right (thank God for wise friends, right?)

I don't believe in Prince Charming. Actually, I really don't like Prince Charming. He's dull, stuffy, and is way too prepster for me. Hah, sorry man. Don't get your panties in a wad. You're special to me and being that I am addressing this to future husband, I believe you are the only one for me. Someday I will choose you and you can be Prince Sometimes Charming. I anticipate that you're going to be more of my best friend and eternal #mcm. I like it when my married friends do that. I think it's too cute. To me you're not a hope or a dream, though. You are a promise. You are worthy of the sacred commitment I made to God when I was 16. One which I meant with my whole heart and will honor and keep until wedding time... and then it's so on. ;P  God put you in my heart when I was 7, and I believed that someday you'd show up in my life when it was time.

Because I'm not looking

So yeah, I'm working on building friendships. I've been trying to survive this big ol' dating world, man. Gettin' to know people slowly. It's a doozy. Silver lining is that I have some funny stories to share later on. Hopefully you do too. I like those. I'm not too concerned with your past. You are wonderful the way you are and hopefully your past has shaped you and made you into a person who you want to be.

This is probably awkward to bring up since I love you and all, but I'm waiting for you indefinitely. I'm not trying to find you. In the meantime, I might look a lot like someone who's chosen single life. Someone I love, who knows me extremely well, gave me some books about embracing single life last week and I have been enjoying them. A lot of good advice.  Hopefully I won't shut the door on the dating world, but it's pretty lame these days. I'm finding more happiness in my relationship with God, being a part of my community, my friendships, my family, even in the small victories in my job. I'm just not invested in looking for a person to complete me. Man translation: You will have to pursue me. Ha! I promise I won't play games, but I've done enough of the "Wanna go on a date?" over the last 11 years and I'm pretty over it. That mindset is total crap! Girls are too sensitive and vulnerable for that nonsense. We're precious and it's ok to wait for people who recognize that and want to treat you that way.

Today I was surrounded by so many old folks at this cool folk festival. I loved watching them interact. They are completely adorable. The thought occurred to me, what if I wait my whole life and meet someone when I'm in my 70's? That would be extremely precious, I think...and in the meantime I may just live a life full of purpose and be content with what God has give me.

Because I guess what I' trying to say

Is that I do have faith that you exist. Even though that has been extremely hard for me to admit lately. I like to believe I can do it all on my own...but really, God sends me people who pick up my slack all the time. Thanks God! In the meantime, enjoy your life! That's what I'm planning on doing! I'll meet up with ya later.


Love ya :)

Tiff

Lessons I'm Learning: Who I Want to Be

Dedicated to my future progenies  (that's True Blood talk for baby Vampires, but I just mean children). You probably don't exist yet (unless you're hanging out with another family right now) but I think about how much I love you often. I hope I do a half way decent job of living this out for future you. I promise it's important enough that I'm founding my life on it now.

First let's talk about role models. We all have them. Maybe they're celebrities, musicians, artists, authors, sport stars. Or maybe they're people in your life that mean a lot to you and you aspire to emulate.Who you choose to reflect can have a big impact on who you allow yourself to become and how you live your life.

When I was little, I had a role model, my momma. I dreamed of having a lovely voice like hers, being a mommy like her and mostly of being as beautiful as her. I wanted long hair, to wear pretty makeup, big girl shoes, and long swirly dresses that twirled when I would spin.

I really sought after this. I would dance around the house writing my own "songs". That's a generous description. Most of these "songs" were about kitties and doggies and were seriously lacking in substance. Also, I always had a baby doll in my hand that I was rocking and taking care of. My brother would steal them from me and smash their faces in. Which of course completely devastated me, until their faces would pop back out. I would sneak into mom's makeup when she was cooking dinner, put on her high heels and her swirliest dresses, and strut my little stuff with my hand on my hip around her room singing about my kitties and doggies. Do not be deceived by shy Tiffany. I've been known to work it. ;)

These sorts of activities carried on for quite some time. Sometimes even now, I enjoy "borrowing" from her closet and trying out her new makeup. Only now-a-days, it's more likely you'll see her borrowing an outfit from me. You're welcome, mom! 

I got older and the people I chose as role models changed. For a while it was the Pink Ranger, then it was Michelle Kwan, Miss Clavel, Sarah Plain and Tall, Meg from Little Women, News reporter April, Belle, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ruth, Jeff the Girl, etc. etc. Can't say I picked out bad role models. Just always had some sort of standard in mind for myself that I saw in other people. In high school and college, I set my standards a little higher. It was Abigail Adams, oh and Hayley Williams (cause, duh).
I always told myself, "I want to be like ____________ some day"...and for whatever dumb reason, that motivated me in the moment to be someone different from myself. I still do this. Mostly with fashion bloggers, authors, musicians, friends, educators, etc., etc.

Maybe you can have an easier time with this issue than I do. That's great, congrats! Hah. I struggle with this a lot. I allow myself to believe I am not good enough and I'm always comparing myself to others.All this looking up to other people, geez. Kinda impossible to live up to...and kinda looks a little like envy. As ugly as that sounds. No matter how humble you try to be about it. Wanting what others have, is never a healthy way of living and frankly it's not want God wants for you. Has ya wondering what standard you're living your life...and wishing that you didn't always fall so short in comparison to others.

I was reminded of this after a discussion with a friend about my joy yesterday. This brilliant lady whose shoes I used to steal, said to me recently, "COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY." I'm pretty sure Teddy Roosevelt said it first, but it's cool, ma. This hit me hard today while I was driving home.
When you live in a way that you never allow yourself to be enough, you are stealing away your opportunity for joy. Scratch that, when you focus more on what you don't have and want, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to experience God's joy NOW. There is so much beauty and joy in who God has created you to be and the experiences you may have now. Don't lose who you are in the future person you want to be. You don't need a pound of makeup, a rockstar voice or a fake accent to make you special. You already are. Just the way you are. *cue Bruno Mars. (Also, I just want to take time out to acknowledge that a fake accent would actually be extremely cool and I fully support you doing more of that. I will do one with you as well!)

All that being said, In Proverbs 31 the Bible  does talk about the kind of woman that is a pretty good gauge for us lady folk to pray about being like and seek after. She is a virtuous woman and she's the kind of gal that is a leader in her faith and love for God. Above all else she loves and fears (respects and reveres) the Lord.

Proverbs 31:30

"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised."

I wish I could go back and explain to little me, "You sing about those kitties and doggies, girl...but don't try to be the Pink Ranger. Pink isn't your color. It washes you out and future you doesn't want to fight Megazord every episode...and mostly, Tiff...there is someone who wants you the way you are now. You don't have to be anyone else in his presence. He loves your silly sense of humor and calm spirit and he wants you to experience true joy in him now and forever. Stay focused on him. Make him your bestie.

So, who I want to be...
Someone rooted in Christ. One who respects and fears the Lord. A woman who finds their value and joy in a life spent with her creator. No matter how many blessings or pitfalls. Above all else, one who praises him with all that she is.

Well,
That's all she wrote. :)

P.S. Would love to discuss, if you are interested in chatting. Feel free to comment below. Or chat in person.

 Love you all!
Tiff