Let me explain,
I've felt a little lost lately. Something about recent changes and then again lack thereof, have pushed me back a couple steps. Opening up to people will always be a challenge for me. Particularly this season in my life. There are less people my age that I can share common experience, etc,etc with. When you can't relate with others, it's not easy to push yourself to foster healthy relationships.
At some point, you find yourself ready to run away and try to change your life on your own because of your unhappiness. The thought of someone caring for you or showing you empathy, worst of all sympathy, makes you ill because you are so used to being the only one you have to rely on.
OR, you push past how you feel and seek God and allow him to use this time of your life.
I don't want to retreat back to the past girl who hid her heart away from everyone. Mainly God. Feeling God's love so strongly in my existence every day now makes me want to shout it loud for everyone to hear. It's real and it's too beautiful to run from.
But if you choose the second one, he will eventually lead you back to others to experience community (good, challenging and sometimes painful). You may even make a mess of things along the way. I do that often. Social interaction. Ah. Does. Not. Compute.
Before you run, take another step back.
Don't worry over how far back you've gone. You are loved by your heavenly father. You are of great value to him. He thinks you're swell no matter the degree of your progress. Stop trying to imagine the destination. Try not to compare yourself to others. God didn't create you alike. There is no expectation or rule book for your life.
Let go. Love God. Live with others. Experience your life.
I've had a particularly difficult time in my job lately. Trying to understand why I continue to teach. How I'm going to manage the emotional, physical and mental stress of this career in my life... If I can reasonably manage it and future dreams. Primarily because it takes a lot of time and dedication and does not allow for a social life the same way other jobs do.
Thinking about it is exhausting.
My heart was a little bruised this morning and my brain reeling from the massive work load I had to accomplish.Walking into the school, I had the strongest urge to run away and hide.
I trudged through my work load and tried to manage the kids before specials as best as I could. When it came time to pick up kindergarten from music, I unlocked the gate and looked over at the very wiggly line. The littlest kindergartner was standing at the front of the line holding out his arms for me again. (He has some sensory needs which cause him to feel very scared. He asks for hugs every time he feels overwhelmed.) I smiled at him and walked closer to the line, he hugged me and placed his tiny hand in mine. We led our line through the gate, hand in hand, and I glanced down at him. Biggest smile. In that moment I knew he felt loved and secure. I did too.
I am so lucky. Every day he shows me love. Even when he's yelling at me, hah. He now knows how to yell, "I am scared, Ms. Heath! I need a hug!". All of my concern about how I will manage my life... This career IS NOT about me. It is NOT a burden. It is a ministry and I am gaining from the love of these kids as much as they are benefiting from what I teach them. I may be tired, but everyday that I spend with them is a day that my life has been influenced by the heart of a child.
Later this afternoon, during first grade station time, I overheard the blue table having a theological discussion. Who is stronger? God or Hulk? Then it bunny trailed to who made God? Does God have a mom? My mom says God is the strongest. The majority ruled that that made the most sense.
How special.
I really do love these kids. They are my family. Sometimes my life stress overwhelms me, but man...here is an opportunity daily to share in love with amazing people. They don't know all of the pain, hurt, sadness, and fear of the world. They write each other cute notes that say, "I like you. Thanks for being my friend".
They run to you to tell you as soon as someone gets a paper cut...and don't even try to suggest to them that it is not important. EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is important to them.
They are community in it's purest form. On this week of love, I get to be surrounded by the truest kind. Kid love.
My heart expanded today... and it's because God has me in a place where I am being forced to grow and experience love (even in a challenging state) daily.
Happy Valentines Week, friends.
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