Lemonade

Person reflections on God, life, love and the in-between.

There is so much I don't know right now.

 I don't know what I want to do with my life, what job I should work, where I should live, how or if I should date, if I even want a family anymore, if I should move and try something new, how to best support my family while still allowing myself to be young, how to put up distance with people who hurt you while still showing them Christ's love, who am I? What part of me am I able/willing to give others? How to balance my health, how to be intimate with God when dealing with anger,being confident in who God made me without being self centered, etc, etc.

I'm going to be super honest. I've been struggling with depression again since the last transition with moving home and some days are just really hard to keep my head above water when overwhelmed physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The cycle is so controlling and it takes every ounce of strength I have to get up most mornings and choose to live in joy. I have to stay really focused on healthy things that motivate me towards growth. I've always seen myself as a strong person, and  I don't allow myself to fall too deep into the control of self deprecating thoughts. Some days are so hard to connect with my creator, though, with clouded thoughts looming over me that I am struggling to fight off.

There's a laundry list of things I've tried and am eager to try in the future that I am hoping will help me get to the next step.

However,

There is one thing I know.

When I start to feel that pain and sadness, God's love always comforts me. He cares so much. 

I may not know what tomorrow will bring but I know who I want to be today, tomorrow and every day after that.

A woman who loves God above all else. 

No matter where I land tomorrow or ten years from now, I want to serve him daily with my life.

Whether I am in a massive group of people or alone in a quiet place. I will worship

 him with every ounce of who he has made me.

I want to genuinely loves others and not be afraid to extend compassion, support and encouragement. I will love all, without judgment or reservations.

I want to keep my eyes focused on him and allow him to lead the way to where he wants me. I've been messing my life up lately, struggling to hold onto the last bits of control I have.

It's time to let go.

 Not because I'm giving up on my dreams. Because my only dream is to live for Christ every day. I want to exist in love and obedience to my heavenly father who cares for me.

Today is day 1. I'm ready.

As a really beautiful promise, God has been working on renewing a passion in my heart. I'm not ready to share it yet, but am prayerfully considering new possibilities. I'm super happy about this. :)

Love,

Tiff

The Cutest

My mom told me the other day that every morning when she and my dad wake up, they take turns praying for each other.

This makes me smile.

To love Jesus above all else and serve him with their lives and in their relationship.

I want that someday.

This is majorly adorable.

Tiff

Life Update: Kid Love

My heart expanded today...

Let me explain,

I've felt a little lost lately. Something about recent changes and then again lack thereof, have pushed me back a couple steps. Opening up to people will always be a challenge for me. Particularly this season in my life. There are less people my age that I can share common experience, etc,etc with. When you can't relate with others, it's not easy to push yourself to foster healthy relationships.

At some point, you find yourself ready to run away and try to change your life on your own because of your unhappiness. The thought of someone caring for you or showing you empathy, worst of all sympathy,  makes you ill because you are so used to being the only one you have to rely on. 

OR, you push past how you feel and seek God and allow him to use this time of your life.

I don't want to retreat back to the past girl who hid her heart away from everyone. Mainly God. Feeling God's love so strongly in my existence every day now makes me want to shout it loud for everyone to hear. It's real and it's too beautiful to run from.

But if you choose the second one, he will eventually lead you back to others to experience community (good, challenging and sometimes painful). You may even make a mess of things along the way. I do that often. Social interaction. Ah. Does. Not. Compute.

Before you run, take another step back. 

Don't worry over how far back you've gone. You are loved by your heavenly father. You are of great value to him. He thinks you're swell no matter the degree of your progress. Stop trying to imagine the destination. Try not to compare yourself to others. God didn't create you alike. There is no expectation or rule book for your  life.

Let go. Love God. Live with others. Experience your life.

I've had a particularly difficult time in my job lately. Trying to understand why I continue to teach. How I'm going to manage the emotional, physical and mental stress of this career in my life... If I can reasonably manage it and future dreams. Primarily because it takes a lot of time and dedication and does not allow for a social life the same way other jobs do.

Thinking about it is exhausting.

My heart was a little bruised this morning and my brain reeling from the massive work load I had to accomplish.Walking into the school, I had the strongest urge to run away and hide.

I trudged through my work load and tried to manage the kids before specials as best as I could. When it came time to pick up kindergarten from music, I unlocked the gate and looked over at the very wiggly line. The littlest kindergartner was standing at the front of the line holding out his arms for me again. (He has some sensory needs which cause him to feel very scared. He asks for hugs every time he feels overwhelmed.) I smiled at him and walked closer to the line, he hugged me and placed his tiny hand in mine. We led our line through the gate,  hand in hand, and I glanced down at him. Biggest smile. In that moment I knew he felt loved and secure. I did too.

I am so lucky. Every day he shows me love. Even when he's yelling at me, hah. He now knows how to yell, "I am scared, Ms. Heath! I need a hug!". All of my concern about how I will manage my life... This career IS NOT about me. It is NOT a burden. It is a ministry and I am gaining from the love of these kids as much as they are benefiting from what I teach them. I may be tired, but everyday that I spend with them is a day that my life has been influenced by the heart of a child.

Later this afternoon, during first grade station time, I overheard the blue table having a theological discussion. Who is stronger? God or Hulk? Then it bunny trailed to who made God? Does God have a mom? My mom says God is the strongest. The majority ruled that that made the most sense.

How special.

I really do love these kids. They are my family. Sometimes my life stress overwhelms me, but man...here is an opportunity daily to share in love with amazing people. They don't know all of the pain, hurt, sadness, and fear of the world. They write each other cute notes that say, "I like you. Thanks for being my friend". 

They run to you to tell you as soon as someone gets a paper cut...and don't even try to suggest to them that it is not important. EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is important to them.

They are community in it's purest form. On this week of love, I get to be surrounded by the truest kind. Kid love.

My heart expanded today... and it's because God has me in a place where I am being forced to grow and experience love (even in a challenging state) daily.

Happy Valentines Week, friends.

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