She's a Wallflower

Forward

I cannot express enough how much I truly do not want to write this blog...which is precisely why I am doing it. My goal in life is to always make myself do things that are good for me that I am strongly opposed to.

Chapter 1: WallFlower

Hello world, I am reserved...oops I mean Tiffany. 

On the contrary, anytime there is a something in my life that I spend a great deal of time praying about, I assume that I might just not be the only one that feels this way.

*Deep breath*

Hey you,

You're probably pretty cool.You are independent. You don't mind spending time on your own. You work hard. You find a lot of confidence in your creative ideas and perhaps a lot of fulfillment in the work you do. *High five*. 

You  may know confidently who you are and who you want to be. Or perhaps you sense a calling/purpose on your life that you are trying to figure out. You love fiercely and loyalty is a HUGE deal to you because you've been used and hurt by people closest to you, in the past. You don't find people very often who can live up to that loyalty.You like to spend a lot of time with others but struggle with letting others in on your real feelings, emotions, and desires. 

Giving is easy. It's second nature to you. It's impossible for you to ask. You don't like to feel like you need people...mostly because you don't want to need people. You are angry when you discover that you honestly need people.

You may like to date around because you're too scared to let anyone get too close to your heart, but you want to be in a relationship. This way, when they hurt you...your world won't be over and you can scrape your pride off the ground because you didn't actually let them have all of it. Making friends is reasonably easy. Building lasting friendships frightens you because it means you have to live up to those unreasonably high expectations you have for other people.

You are easily distracted with projects/hobbies/passions as a way of escaping the weight of your most important commitments in life.You love total strangers easily but struggle with loving yourself. You find yourself doing/saying things to keep people at arms distance because that's what you've known to be easiest for you. 

You are a wallflower. You might have some trust issues. Ha. As I am heavily describing myself, I feel that I can be painfully blunt. Intimacy may be your struggle.

I had a dream 25 days ago (thanks iphone note documentation, *winky face*) that I was in a room full of friends who were all present with their families. I was the only one without one. I tried talking to everyone in the room but no one could hear me. All of the people in the room were chasing their kids and talking about their families. I tried talking louder and louder, but no could hear me. I felt so alone.

I cried when I woke up.

Wooh. Depressing, eh? 

And honest.

That dream really shook me. I try really hard not to feel this way. I surround myself with activities, hobbies, jobs, people, opportunities that I hope to bring me fulfillment. I never EVER want to be a whiny, complainy, naggy girl. I try not to be jealous of others. I'm truly happy for them. I'm an optimist at heart. I like to have a lot of funnnnn. I'm almost always with friends, the fam, at work or numbing my mind with netflix, social media, music or redic entertainment. It's just never enough.

As humans, we were created for companionship. We have a natural need and desire to be wanted and loved. It's not selfish or pathetic. It's intended, by God. Don't question it, butthead. ;)
It should reflect the relationship that God wants us to have with him.

I have known some pretty strong callings on my life since I was 6 or so. I am a nurturer. I am called to take care, protect, love and teach confidence to ( a to be determined people group).
Also, in my present reality... some of these opportunities may have been taken from me, made difficult /delayed,  are patiently waiting in a far off land of make believe, or may not actually be in God's plan for me.
I have a hard time understanding this reality and find myself misplacing my frustrations for the unknown with anger at God.

At the apex of these frustrations, I always push away from God and distract myself with bad choices. Go figure. The only being in the entire universe that can actually fulfill me. In my anger and sin, I know that I will drive a wedge in my pursuit of a  relationship with him. This is a very natural occurrence for me...and you know....it's ok.
God still wants me, even when I allow my selfish pride to usurp my life.

All that being said,

What are some ways to strengthen intimacy with God and others?

-Admitting to God when I'm an idiot. Bigger yet, admitting to God when I need his help. Even bigger, asking God for his help...still bigger, allowing God to help....wait for it......asking other people to pray for me. (I failed at this today, so don't think that I have actual life applied wisdom in this area yet).

-Reading my Bible as often as possible. Starting with an author/time period/book of the Bible that I am interested in and reading an entire chapter at a time, IN CONTEXT. Summarizing the main points and the overall message of the passage. Looking for themes or ways that the passage can be applied in my life/as the church. Study habits that help me pull meaning from very confusing, old timey language. Don't pretend like you understand the Bible the first time you read it either, liar! ;) Also, rereading those same scriptures throughout the week and reflecting on any new meaning you discover.
If you can, read it with friends. Someone always points out at least a few things that I miss. Discusssssss :)

-Prayer time. Throughout the day. Like talking to a friend. Talking to him about others and intervening for them. Telling him my thoughts, dreams, hopes. Learning to trust him once I have gone to him in prayer.
Prayer time with others. Oh yesssss....awkward prayer time. Get in on that!
Prayer time with others does not mean we all need to hold hands and take turns flashing our prayer warrior stripes. It can be calling a friend on the phone and praying for them. Gathering together in the same room and praying silently, etc.etc...or my personal favorite....letting someone else pray out loud while you silent agree with them. Ha ha ;)

-Hang out with buds and talk about Jesus.
Also, hang out with enemies and talk about Jesus.
Also, make your enemies your buds. (Tell me when you've mastered that one. Cause I haven'r figured that one out yet.)

-Live in community. Ahem...commUNITY. No man is an island, brah. Sure have fun and party. But allow people into your life. Invite them to your home. Talk to them about your day. Ask them about theirs. Hug them. Preferably for more than 8 seconds...also, pet their hair and say strange things like, "pretty pretty".

-Serve others. Watch their babies, send them a sweet note/text. Jump their crappy cars for them (thanks, guys :D), give to those in need: time, love, food, shelter,  cheesy jokes, joy.
Make friends with one new person every week. Pray for that person.
 LET OTHER PEOPLE SERVE YOU. (I will try harder to let down the walls on this one).

-Worship God. In your life. In your actions. The way you treat other people. The things you set your mind on. In musical form. Sing your heart out of that's the way you do it. Danceeeeeeee. Make a joyful noise. Maybe this one, "Yippppeee!". :P

-Love others. People are going to let you down every now and then. You'll let them down every now and then too. Learn to forgive and apologize. Build trust with one another. Don't build walls when someone messes up. Help them up. God will always be there to carry you when you need it the most.

-Laugh a lot. Laugh at yourslef. Laugh with others. Laugh at others...(Today I rang the quiet bell at school and this kid started doing his happy dance (little country jig) with 4 pencils in his hand. He stabbed himself in the eye with one and shouted, "OWWWWW! My eye! Miss Heath, MY EYYYYYE!". Laughter might have escaped me prior to attending to his need.. Or maybe just watch Jim Gaffigan or Zach Galifinakas. That's a pretty solid perscription. :P

-Enjoy this day. Rejoice in this day. We aren't promised tomorrow. Live it up!
I shall leave you with this,

Iphone note written 16 days ago,

I went to a birthday party for a friend's son today. My mind was a little lost in the conversation about childbirth and breast pads for a few minutes. However,  I closed my eyes for a second and realized that I was in the same scenario that I had dreamed about the other day. Only, I wasn't sad AT ALL. My heart felt really full and I was happy to be surrounded by so much love. Thank you God for loving friends to share life with. 

:)
Hey friends, pray for me. Ok?
Also, let me know, in message or in person, how I can pray for you.

Tiff





  

Sunday Soundtrack: Lerv

  Happy Sunday folks,

Hope yours was swell. :)
My heart has been feeling really full lately and this week I've been listening to some love dovey songs.

For You, Sharon Van Etten

http://youtu.be/-6QhP4xDHIo

So this is Goodbye, William Fitzsimmons

http://youtu.be/zwB56HQLFJY

L-O-V-E, Tiff

http://youtu.be/Mc_kpzEUWgU

:) Cheers to a great week

Sunday Soundtrack

Hola :)
I miss blog a log loggin'. It relaxes me.
I think I'll begin again. :)  Decided!

Here's my Sunday Sountrack :)
Pretty Tunes- Dustin O'Halloran "Fragile N. 4"


Makes my heart expand and get all squishy and junk.


Just for fun. Sorry for the bug eyes. Dem' glasses had a mega glare. Blind me makes interesting facial expressions. :D

The Spongebob Gospel

There's this cracked out little Yellow Sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea. He's weird. He's cray. Pretty sure he's adhd. He's got this rad outlook on life, though. He's usually happy, super hard working, dedicated, willing, positive and eager for a change (aka promotion to manager at Krusty Krab). SpongeBob has been employee of the month his fair share of time but is ready to receive a higher calling in life. He might be slightly dillusional, but dude's got faith. He gets up in the morning, says it like it is, "I'm ready!" and scoots on his way to make it happen (usually with soooo many missteps along the way).

His attitude is inspiring to 26 year old me.

The World Vs.
People want to be accepted. We have this desire to be wanted as we are, to feel that we are good enough without needing change. We like our comfort and often don't seek out opportunities for transformation...because well... that would mean that we needed that change in the first place. We didn't have it all together and weren't handling all our shiz. That might mean admitting that we were in fact lacking and perhaps weren't worth what we deceived ourselves to be.

The world tells me, accept me as I am. I'm enough on my own. I don't need to change for anyone. I'm good enough.

But...why is my soul screaming something else?

 Should I just accept my faults and sins and live in pleasant emotional apathy? Is this truth? I can always  find confidence in the shallow things that make me happy in the moment...and what an empty feeling. Then what? I never try to be anything other than this stagnant person? Sometimes, present me suuuuucks. I'm quite selfish.

The Truth
Or maybe, there's the possibility that I was created with great love, purpose and potential but am too distracted with trying to find ways of making myself feel complete on my own that I am missing the point and truth-We were not created to conform to this world.

Change.
Ew.
That's scary.
And necessary.
And sometimes life shattering.

So, this change thing... You don't have to be enough. You are loved anyway. It will be incredible, immediate, life altering, somewhat progressive, soooo challenging and the best decision you will ever make.

Because it means, you don't have to be enough on your own. You can stop trying to convince yourself that you are good enough and that the things around you will bring you happiness; when the truth is that you are God's beautiful creation and he wants so much to have a personal relationship with you and to transform your life into something beautiful with his love. Only his love will fulfill you and bring unspeakable joy. There will be opportunity to grow, flourish and live for one other than yourself.You don't  need to be enough, because he is more than enough for you. He will supply your every need according to his riches in glory. He will give you strength and wisdom...

and this change will be so worthwhile.

Dude,
Challenge accepted. I want this.

I don't wan to accept what is easy and comfortable when I could allow truth to impact my heart, mind, and soul.
I want to LIVE. I don't want to look back on my life and realize I didn't allow God to make me into something more than what I've set out for myself.

In the immortal words of SpongeBob Squarepants, "I'm ready! I'm ready, I'm ready I'm ready!"



Lord, help me to be a Spongebob. Dedicated, hard working, positive, willing, and loving. One who is ready and eager for a change (promotion).

Ya, that just happened. I related my outlook on faith to a talking sponge.

Check this out:

Romans 12

New International Version (NIV)

A Living Sacrifice

12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

Hit me up if you want to chat on this topic...or watch SpongeBob ;)

God Loves Sinners

I was watching The Bible today on the History channel and something Paul said caught my attention, "but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope."

 Let's backtrack. I can't help but be really fascinated by Paul's ministry. This guy was a major a hole back in the day. Thought HE knew the TRUTH and ended up being responsible for murdering innocent, faithful Christians. Specifically, upset by his treatment of Stephen. Stephen was a young follower of Christ who was defending Christ's good news. Saul (later renamed Paul) led a mob against him, accusing him of blasphemy and stoned him to death.

 Thoughts: life is not always pretty. Truth is not always pretty. Walking in faith can be especially ugly sometimes. Suffering is a real part of life with Christ.

 Saul was a little whistle blower. He thought he knew God's laws better than anyone else. Yet, he was so blind to the TRUTH of who Christ was. He was stuck in the ideology of who HE believed God to and what TRUTH was. Also, he strikes me as a majorly bossy, dude who thinks he's always right. Does this remind anyone else of a good portion of the Christian church today? Judgmental, unloving, no compassion, self-absorbed? You can add more to the list, if you'd like. ;)

 This is what I think is hilarious, on his way to persecute and kill more followers of Christ, God blinds him! Good one, God! *high five*. Then he speaks to him, introducing himself as JESUS and asking why Saul/Paul is persecuting him? Bet Saul felt like a pretty big chump right about then.
God used a man named Ananais to heal Paul. Even though Ananais was initially reluctant because he knew what a bad dude Paul had been. Paul had to swallow his pride and be vulnerable about how God changed his life.

 So here's what is especially interesting to me...God decides to use Saul...changes his name to Paul and makes him an apostle. This guy is responsible for teaching/ preaching the gospel of JESUS CHRIST. Paul ends up writing a good portion of the New Testament. Ok, now here's what I LOVE...from reading some of Paul's writing in the New Testament to the church...he's still a little bossy boss. God changes his heart but is willing to use that crazy fool...and the guy ends up having some pretty great advice to offer. He also ends up suffering many ordeals and being persecuted and beaten himself.

 Alrighty now. Back to, "but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope." I've heard varieties of this verse before. When Paul started in with, "glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance"... I thought, "Yep!". Then he said, " perseverance creates character" and I thought..."ain't that the truth" and then he said..."character creates hope" and my mind= blown away.

 Rejoice in your suffering because it brings hope. That hope does not disappoint us because that hope represents God. Suffering tests and builds our trust in God. As much as we all know the truth in that statement, it can be pretty difficult to accept. Well maybe ya'll are wiser than I am and you don't struggle with this particular point. Congrats! haha

 I have a really hard time with this. Not just in relevance to my life or my family's, but especially in seeing the suffering of so many people in the world. It often leaves me questioning God. There is no good answer to life's suffering because suffering sucks...but God still asks us to rejoice in it. It will bring us closer to him and reveal his love and truth in this world to those who need to hear it.

 Reflecting on Saul/Paul's life...Saul was a pretty big time sinner. A murderer, zealot, man of pride, and a cray cray. God called him to a life of faithfulness. He changed his heart and asked him to live for him and preach the TRUTH (Jesus). He had to stick through some crap, and learn to rely on the hope of Christ. He had to learn to be loving, compassionate, less judgmental and less self absorbed (though he still seemed bossy to me) to be a real follower of Christ. He had to endure some persecution to share Christ's news and reduce other people's suffering.

 My thoughts: His story is an encouragement in my life. God can use anyone, anytime. Hopefully, he can grab your attention without having to blind you...but watch out...he will resort to blinding (:D ). Also, rejoice in the difficulties because we have the promise and love of our heavenly father. He will not leave you, or forsake you...even if it feels hard. God is faithful to us and calls us to to be faithful to him (which often includes suffering). Woah, big cycle there. :)

Love ya'll
Feel free to share your thoughts. Would love to hear them, whether you agree or disagree or would like to add to the discussion!
-Tiff

Head in the Clouds

I'm a dreamer. It's one of my biggest strengths and flaws.It motivates me to strive to be a compassionate teacher... it's also the reason that I only hear 80% of what you're saying. I've been trying not to let it get the best of me. I find myself being introspective a great deal of the time...and lately it's been really distracting me. I want to be a person who doesn't just set goals, but accomplishes them. A lot of time and commitment goes in to that. How do you push aside dreams, thoughts and emotions and just do the dang thing?
 I really struggle with this. Have felt lately like my friends and family are passing me up by a long shot and can't help feeling alone and little left behind. I'm grateful for the extra time and opportunity to refocus my life and accomplish things...but dang...I'd rather not have the extra time to allow my hopes and thoughts remind me of what's missing. Know what I'm saying? ;)

 Isaiah 55 talks about the Compassion of the Lord. I think it's a good reminder of what God is like relationally. It says,

 55 “Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. 2 Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. 3 Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live; and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love for David. 4 Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander for the peoples. 5 Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know, and a nation that did not know you shall run to you, because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you. 6 “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; 7 let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. 8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 11 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. 12 “For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.” 

And in this state of mind, I pray that God will take away my focus on future dreams and hopes and mold me (PRESENT me) into a person that he can use...in the opportunities I am given NOW. That I won't squander the relationships and adventures life is throwing at me NOW. That I will let my mind and heart lead me less and listen so that God will lead me more.

Any thoughts are welcome :)

-Tiff

When I Grow Up

How many times in your life have you been asked what you want to be when you grow up? Way too freaking many! I'm learning that growing up is less about finding a career that makes you happy and more about discovering your passions and ways to express them in all aspects of your life. I saw this painting on pinterest and it literally took my breath away. It symbolizes the idea of placing foster children in loving homes. The mountains represent permanence and immovability. My heart shouted, "yes! I want to be this for others." When I grow up, I want to do this... and coincidentally I am as "grown up" as I will ever be. So I'm going to seek these opportunities daily. :) Tis all -Tiff

An Open Discussion with The Few, The Proud, The Single

In love. Contemplate the above phrase. What is it? What does it look like? Can you lose it? What is its meaning in your life? Is there a person that comes to mind when you hear this term? Or does a big flashing sign appear in your mind that screams "SINGLE" followed by another flashing sign saying, "AND HATING IT!" Most likely, the context you associate with this phrase has romantic connotation. I don't know about you; but to me, this time of year feels like a tug of war between the happy couples "in love" and the single and passed out in a chocolate coma while watching Pride and Prejudice all night. Aw come on. Why's it gotta be like that, society? Single and non-single unite! Why does love have to be so divisive? This February 14th will mark the 25th Valentineless Valentine's Day in my life. Is that depressing? Maybe, haha. Mostly though, he...ck no! Let's call a spade a spade and say it's pretty much human nature to want what you don't have. You coveters, you (myself included). I've done my share of chocolate coma feeling sorry for myself. It's inevitable. Especially when you are watching your loved ones celebrating special relationships in their life. It's not the only way to celebrate a Holiday dedicated to love though and furthermore...who's to say that you're not in love and you just don't recognize the object of your affection? In my family, we have always celebrated Valentines Day together. As a kid, we would eat a nice home cooked meal together or exchange cards and treats. It was never lonely or depressing. It was a day that we set aside to show love for one another. I'm all grown up now and my parents still ask me to celebrate Valentines Day with them every year. I'll admit, the last couple years I was all like, "no. I don't want your Valentines Day pity". Haha, but that's because I'm a brat. Last year they were annoyingly persistent and I couldn't understand why they were forcing me to go on their V Day date with them. My dad kept saying that they "loved me and wanted to spend time with me". Likely story, dad. You just feel sorry for me. Lately, my life has undergone some changes. The main one being my eagerness to pursue a daily walk with my creator. In doing so, I am recognizing love in so many places in my life and it makes me wonder why I haven't understood the fullness and love that I have had before. When you concentrate so much on what you don't have. You miss what you actually do. This year I am pleased to reveal that I am IN LOVE. Details???? Numero uno, I am in love with my God. Try not to feel tricked. You weren't really expecting a break through in my dating life. :D I'm in love with His grace. His sufficiency. His glory. His beauty. His redemption. I am in love with my family, my friends, my 75 students, coworkers, random acts of kindness, encouraging words, music, nature, breathing, napping (haha), hugging someone you've truly missed, a thoughtful note, a funny joke, a wild and crazy puppy, wisdom from mentors, my community, pretty flowers etc, etc. I believe as long as you are committed; there is no falling out of love. It is a daily walk...an area of growth. Love others. Somedays you really won't like them, but love them regardless. It's an action. Not just just a state of mind or heart. Well, this year I think I've finally figured out why parents insist on my spending Valentine's Day with them. Ready???.... Apparently it's not to humiliate me, but it's actually because they love me! Go figure, right? I guess my folks still have one up on me. They are pretty special people. I'll admit it. This year, I am actually pretty stoked for V Day. I am going to have 75 little Valentines and celebrate our respect and kindness for one another ( school terms for showing love). They are precious and I can't wait to spend the day with them. They bring my life a great deal of joy and fulfillment. My freshmen year of college, Facebook was the new rage and someone started a group called, "The Few, The Proud, The Unengaged." Fast forward a couple years and nearly everyone got hitched. Weaklings. :) Really, though. Conrats guys! Happy for your special someones and the new journey in love you are on! Those of you that are still in that club or need to be initiated, please celebrate Valentines Day this year. Don't be a love scrooge. Love someone that day. Babysit for married friends, hang out with buddies, have a party with kiddos, make dinner for your roomie, wash someone's car. Wash my car. :) Call a sista' up if you're bored and want to celebrate God's love with me. The roomie and I are making dinner that night and hopefully we'll have a couch by then. That's all folks. Let me know your thoughts in the comments! <3 you