Walls

These walls. Built by man. In response to the shame and rejection we feel.

Were built to redeem us, but keep us captive to doctrine instead.

Protect us from evil but leave the rest of the world outside, dying alone.

Unite us, but divide from showing love to our neighbor.

Teach forgiveness, as we judge the world.

Are dangerous in the safety of man's interpretations.

What if the walls were torn down? Would we still meet? Would we still believe? If there were no divisions. Where everyone is invited into the family. 

One big family reunion.

Perhaps in heaven one day.  

Summer Sessions: Creek Week

Well, summer is in full swing now and Phoenix heat has been killer. At 115 degrees, it felt like a "beat the heat at the creek" week. Yay rhyming! Also, yay for living in a beautiful state with an abundance of places to visit when the heat starts climbing. In fact, we took a page from the heat and climbed into the car to spend the day visiting Beaver Creek, Church in the Rock, Sedona, and Oak Creek Canyon.

Wade on in with us...the water is cool and the sights are breathtaking.

First, we stopped at Beaver Creek for a quick dip of our toes.

Next, we trekked up a very steep hill and spent a few quiet moments at the Church in the Rock.

We ate lunch at the Wild Flower Bread company and it was packed! Apparently we weren't the only ones that enjoy a delish sand which on a sweltering summer day.

After lunch we visited some trade posts and marveled at  beautiful handmade Navajo jewelry crafted and sold by local artists near the creek. We are Chickasaw and my grandmother used to wear a Thunderbird necklace before she passed. Wearing one of my own has been a way that I have felt connected to her memory. I visited Sedona a several years ago with one of my best friends and found a Thuunderbird necklace which I loved (pictured below) and wore every day.

Sadly, I lost the necklace in one of my many moves. My pop and mom remembered how much I had loved the necklace and found a delicate replacement piece for me. I love it! Depending on the oral tradition you consult, the Thunderbird symbol has different meanings in Native American symbolism. The Thunderbird  can represent strength, provision, abundance, protection, and in some tribal tradition...the higher power...which is why the symbol is so meaningful to me. Carrying a reminder that God is always with me, has been a really beautiful experience.
Here is the new Thunderbird, which you shall see me in henceforth.

My pop insisted that I wear his hat. I know it looks like Ranger Joe...but I kinda dig it. So I took some selfies to commemorate my love for the hat.

Next, we strolled down to Oak Creek Canyon and spent the rest of our time swimming in the creek and meandering around some of the rocky trails. The water was perfect and we eventually found a cool, secluded spot to relax.

Our shady spot was too cool for school. That's funny because school is out. This was a dad joke.
 The sounds of the stream were bliss.

Mom enjoyed some beloved reading time.

 On our way home, dad did some modeling .

and I took more pictures of awesome.

The end. :)

Love,
Tiff

P.S. Here's a message from dad

Swimming in the Dating Pool of Rejection

Here's something you don't know about me. I get rejected. A lot.

Maybe it's my romanticized idea of love from that summer as a girl when I read the Christy Miller series in 3 weeks. Perhaps I'm just an optimist. No matter what my head tells me, my heart always leads. It tends to serve me decently with friends. It used to serve me well dating, as many guys I have been interested in used to be nervous to ask me out. It used to be an endearing trait about me. It has not served me well in my older age, though. It's left me with some nasty emotional scars and I'm kind of into the idea of not trying to hide them anymore.

When I was 16 and dating, everything was easy. Dating was fun. It was about getting to know someone's personality and seeing if you liked spending a lot of time together...and maybe more time together... and more and then maybe like idk, like the rest of our lives together? Kewlsies? K. Kewl.

Now, I know I'm lucky if I meet a single man...let alone one who is responsible AND trustworthy and the ... white buffalo... a Christian.... with a beard who will watch Grey's Anatomy with me?! Hahah Totally JK. I haven't watched that since college. I've heard it sucks now. ;)
*all the single ladies say amen*

Truthfully, the dating game later in life... We all come to the table with a lot more baggage. The baggage and hurt of failed relationships. Of mistakes. Of disappointments. Perhaps some good baggage. That have made you into the kind of human you are proud to be. Good baggage that has prepared you for your future, and perhaps some that has changed you for the better and brought you closer to God.

Nonetheless, it's a lot to get to know about a person. It is a lot of pressure. Dating isn't fun anymore. It's not about seeing an interesting film with a fun person. It's not about enjoying a good meal and a good conversation with good company. There's no art or beauty in the dating game anymore. It's a right swipe on a creepy app that if you play your cards right ends in "THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION YOU WILL EVER MAKE AND YOU BETTER NOT SCREW THIS UP BECAUSE THIS COULD BE FOREVERRRRRRR. FOREVER! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
Ya, totally no pressure. Right? ;)

All of this pressure, it leads us to make some pretty half hazard decisions. We do a lot of second guessing. We want to search through all of our options until we find the best one. Like we're buying a relationship. Gotta pick out the best one...and don't forget that warranty in case something breaks. You can trade it in for a new one! Wahoo!

Sneak preview-you've finally found the one you are looking for.... then, bam! Someone "better" by some of your ridiculous standards just walked by. What do you do? Are they really the one? Quick, get rid of the last relationship. Good thing you didn't put any "labels" on it. Made it easier to make a clean get away because in the end dating is all about finding the perfect person for you, right?

No, you idiot. Wrong. There is no perfect person for you. Every wedding I've attended where the bride and groom have worked that into their vows has made me want to ralph. There is no perfect person for you out there. Sorry to burst your happy little bubble. Actually, no I'm not. That bubble was fake and plastic and it kept you from some of the most meaningful and real relationships you could have ever had.

Any relationship that is built and centered on you is going to fail... and you are going to hurt very badly. Relationships are meant to glorify God. 

There is no perfect person for you, because there are no perfect people. If your dating intentions are to find the perfect person, then I hope you will be very happy with your single life! Haha

What my rejection has taught me... you will feel the need to reject others after enough doses of  unkind rejection. Perfection is hilariously impossible and there are the right kind of people to date and the wrong kind of people to date.

The right kind of people to date are the kind that display the attributes of love written in Corinthians. Thanks, Paul! The right kind of people to date are ones that prioritize relationships, accept personal responsibility and above all else, act with good character... Because they really believe what they say they believe.

These people are "right" because they are WILLING to work at having a successful relationship.

Immaturity is a subheading here because it can be temporary, but if it is constant... It is more likely a character issue.

The wrong kind of people fixate on passion, physical chemistry, they act extremely jealous,  are possessive, cheat, lie, are narcissistic, blame you all the time, play the victim. Sound familiar? These traits are wrong because they are not love, duh!

 You will not experience a healthy love when you date someone who exhibits these traits. You are setting yourself up for a miserable relationship... and no wonder you are always fighting!

All of this pressure makes us singles go a little crazy and do stupid stuff. You're going to mess up sometimes and if you have built a healthy relationship on the basics, you may be able to forgive each other and grow closer in your trust.

Dating should be fun, because the experience of getting to know others  is fun! We need to stop being so quick to reject everything that walks by that isn't "perfect". The best relationships are not perfect.

We need to take the pressure off of dating. A date is a a specific time and place you meet with someone. I go on dates with my grandma.! (Hi Nanny!) You can go on dates without marrying someone. There are different levels of relationships. Get over yourself and your fear of the word "date". You will never know if someone is the right or wrong type of person if you don't meet them at a specific time and place!

I can honestly say that the rejection has stung more from guys who turned me down for dates than it did for guys who I dated and just didn't click with. 

Relationships in our life aren't about just what the other person can give to you. It's a two way street. Enjoy the process of getting to know other singles and good grief, let yourself enjoy dating. Who knows, maybe you'll end up dating someone who it works out well with and then you'll like totally like each other and like spend more time together and like maybe the rest of your lives or something? And like Kewlsies? K. Kewl.

I hope this isn't blasphemous, but if I was God I would be all like, "MY CHILDREN, ENJOY DATING...TALK TO THE CUTE GIRL WITH GLASSES WHO READS AT JOBOTS...AND STOP USING TINDER... IT'S TRYING TO SELL YOU HUMANS. THAT IS SICK, MY CHILDREN. HELP STOP HUMAN TRAFFICKING! AND ALL THE MEN SHOULD GROW BIG BEARDS."
-God

But seriously folks. Be nicer to each other. It's a cold cold dating world out there. We need to huddle for warmth.

Love,
Tiff

Update

Hello friends.
For many of you, long time no see. Hope you're all well.
:)

I have been writing a lot lately but I've decided to keep much of it private as it pertains to some issues that are pretty close to my heart.

I'm thinking I'll write some more fluff and update from time to time. ;)

Life update

-I re-signed my teaching contract for the fall.
-Will be moving back Westside in August. Not so far north, though. This time around it will be Tiffany sans roommates. I'm really ready for this. But I'm kicking around the idea of adopting a puppy because my parents won't give me Charlie back. Wahhhhhhhh. I lervs him. (They lervs him too). Not sure what breed I'm keen on. It will need to be something apartment friendly. I'm leaning towards the pug route. How cute would I be, walking around with a weird breathing, fat little pug? I could name him Pugsly. Haaaaa. Actually, it could be Mr. Tumnus...or Julio....Julio Iglesias...
-I've written a new draft for a kids book...and I'm in it. ;) It's my favorite so far. Has a ways to go, though.
-I've laughed so much. You know those like hardcore belly laughs? Ya those. Lots of those have taken place...especially when speaking to 5 year olds or watching It's Always Sunny.
-I wore three pretty dresses in the last week. (The kids at school like the blue one the best. The little boys especially like the blue one.)
-The natural/wavy hair has made a comeback, because my hair isn't a happy camper and I just don't care anymore.
-My car still sucks and breaks down from time to time. My dad still awesomely helps me fix it.
-I spend a lot of time by myself. Sometimes it's good, sometimes I'm not a fan. I'm reminding myself that it's good to recharge and learn to be on your own. That way I can give more to the kiddos I work with and be a more pleasant Tiffany. Always needing people to sustain your happiness is exhausting and disappointing.
-I'm having panic attacks again but I'm dealing with them well this time.
-I meditate (clear my mind and pray) every morning and night. No matter what house I'm sleeping at.
-I ate a delicious turkey and avocado sandwich tonight.
-I've been singing and playing ukulele more. Not enough, though.
-I was a bridesmaid in Wolfe's wedding. She was a beaut!
-I'm happy at work. I've recently discovered how much I need my students and mostly...I'm just choosing to be happy in everything I do.
-I spend a lot of time with my family.
-I got to see my nephews and bro/sis law for a hot minute. Loved every second of it!
-Josh visited me this week. It was probably the highlight of my year. His friendship  is really important to me. I'm so thankful that there is another human that has shared a good portion of their life's memories with me. He knows me better than anyone else. I like hearing his big brother advice. --What's funny is, I forgot how good of a listener he was. Of course, he's the same silly, smart brother, but now that he's a husband and twice a dad...he's very grounded and I'm just so proud of him. He is one of the most loving people I know. Thank you for visiting me, Josh. It really meant a lot to me. I love you. If you haven't met my brother, you're missing out. :)
-I catch an episode of Catfish here and there.
- I liked the Tyler Oakley one.
-Also, I'm obsessed with Tyler Oakley.
-My next goal is to start having weekly coffee dates with myself again. I've stopped making it a priority since I've been nervous about bumping into certain people and not knowing how to interact.
-Social anxiety can suck it. I like  coffee and I like dating myself.
-That last thing I said. Yeah that. I've met some really awesome guys. My heart is being mended right now, though. I'm learning how to love myself. That's not a sad thing at all! It is the most beautiful thing because I want to be able to love someone the way they deserve someday (and that includes me being a whole me). I'm still up for dating, though. Just making wiser choices about who I give my time and heart to this time.
-I found a yummy vanilla almond milk creamer. It's bomb.
-Reading a lot of non-fiction on our Thoughts/Mind
-Been smelling like Marc Jacobs "Daisy" again.
-I haven't worn a cat shirt in forevs.
-Barf. I just wrote forevs.
-I'm sleepy now.
-*Yawn*
-I'm currently listening to "Pacific" by Sleeping at Last.
-Good night. Sweet dream, my friends!

:)

Tiff

Tiff's Annual Valentine's Day Rant:

I am so excited for all of my friends who are getting hitched. Loads of you are this year. Congrats! I love to see you happy and celebrate the beauty of the new chapter you are about to embark on! It is major bueno!

 It occurred to me today, by fall of this year...I will have been a bridesmaids 7 times over the last decade. *Moment of silence as Tiff realizes how old she is*
 I don't ever want to be one of those girls that whines, "woe is me"...."always a bridesmaid...never a bride" so instead, I'm taking this year back from complainy single girl town.

This year, I'm gonna put on some pretty dresses, gussy up, support some beautiful friends and bust out some sik dance moves. I'm going to take some time to be the healthiest me (maybe synonymous with the hottest me. You can all just call this my hot girl phase).
Hot Tiff will still wear cat shirts and glasses...but maybe it will be like..a sexy cat...wearing red lipstick.

Ha ha ha

Actually, hot Tiff will be the same exact Tiff that she is every other day. She just won't be shy about what she wants in her life. She will go and get it!
Ya! Go and get it, girl!
:)

I don't care about the silver lining this Valentines Day. I'm not going to just get through the day so I don't have to think about it.
I'm gettin' muh hair did! And I'll dress up pretty and maybe take myself out on the town.
Also, I'll be celebrating the life that I have. No matter what status I am. :)

Here are some lovely things I'm celebrating this year:
baby animals
flowers
warm fuzzy blankets
sweaters
curls
joy
hot tea
roadtrips
hugs
my family
folk music
laughing
dancing
upcycling
silly kids stories
Julian Edelman
singing harmony
cooking for other people
shouting so loud inside a cave that my voice echoes
making people smile
putting sweaters on my dog
convincing my nephews they are potatoes
beating the odds
sleeping a totally average amount so that I am refreshed for my day
pineapples
the history of jazz
burning candles
meeting new people
smelling good and stuff

and also, who wants to form a girl band with me?! This is a serious proposition. I need music back in my life.

Celebrate with me! What are some things you love about your life?

Every day should be filled with love, so I won't be wishing you a happy Vday this year. Enjoy your completely normal Saturday, everyone!

LOVE,
Tiff

Saturday Soundtrack: Wednesday Special

I've decided that I want to spend more time investing in what enriches my life.
I love music. :) This post is a throwback to my old Saturday Soundtracks (which I hope to revive). 

I ran across this band the other day and I am completely obsessed. They have a lovely little EP out and I am a sucker for dancey indie rock with a twist. The female lead has a unique quality in her voice which pleases my ears. It's a little bit folksy with a hint of soul.

Mostly though, listening to them invokes certain joy in my feet. They want to move! Put your dancing shoes on before you press play.

Without further ado, I present to you, Misterwives. Featuring the track I am particularly smitten with, "Reflections". Hang in here a minute or two. I'm going to give you three versions to give you an idea of why I enjoy them oh so.

First up is the pop-infused NY music video.

Their official music video takes place in some type of private school/boarding school scenario. They waste a lot of paper, something about detention, debate club and blah, blah, blah.

 If you're going to do a music video in uniforms, you better be Colin Meloy and it better be 2006. After all, Mindy has way better hair than Colin. It should be flowing in the wind as she runs through a colorful, magical land and belts this well articulated anthem of freeing yourself from unhealthy relationships.

 Instead, I bring you the NY Edition. I appreciated the breakfast club nod and found myself shaking my butt butt.




I've already made this version my ringtone and ringback tone. You're welcome. We will all enjoy this beauty when you call me. 

Next is the SXSW live version.


Last, and certainly not least, is my favorite version. More unplugged like the last, heavier on the acoustic and vocals.


I highly recommend checking out their Soundcloud.

https://soundcloud.com/misterwives

I tend to enjoy their more upbeat tracks such as Twisted Tongue, Money on My Mind, and Imagination Infatuation, but I dig Coffins, Vagabond and some of their slower jams as well.

If all is suitable to your ears, support their EP on itunes. It was definitely worth the purchase.

:) Love to you all
-Tiff

Shy Girl

I saw this the other day (Yes, I am subscribed to Yo Gabba Gabba and other Children's programming on Youtube ;) ). This feels like a pretty accurate description of my life. I love how creative this show is. It's certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but watching it inspires me. I would love to work in a creative field like this some day.
Enjoy!


...and so she did. The end.
:)

Tuesday Thoughts: One true love?

This won't stop bouncing around the walls of my brain until I attempt to articulate it.

;)

This place exists...

One where you can be completely fulfilled by your creator.

You aren't waiting around for someone to arrive and save you from the mundane or your temporary world.

I've seen this quote floating around social media and heard it quoted by many folks, "One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else."

To live a life in wait for another to complete you? This seems awfully cruel. To not be allowed to experience the love and joy of your life, now. To wait an undisclosed amount of time in loneliness or social torment for someone else to validate your purpose or potential.

Whether you are single or already in a relationship/married to one that you struggle to connect with.

How can another person determine your happiness? Isn't it often the great love you possess for your significant other that leaves you vulnerable to the impact of immeasurable hurt caused by that same person? Does that mean they are not your true love?

Can I still experience true love and joy even if I never encounter the love of my life?

I believe, a resounding YES.

I have to remind myself that I don't believe in a God that values love in the same way that American society does.

He creates us with different capacities to love. Via C.S. Lewis-to experience love as affection (storge), friendship (philia), romance (eros),  and agape (unconditional love). 

In God, we experience all of these types of love. He is the one, true love of our lives...and he wants to have a close connection with us.

The story of his love for us is painted in the pain and infliction of human selfishness...and yet he is faithful to us. He is redemptive. He is love. 

He is constant.

 HE IS TRUE LOVE.

This place exists...where you can be in love with God and recognize your potential in him.Your ability to love is what completes you. Not who (in terms of people) you love.

You can experience different facets of love with those you encounter in your life.

In this place, you don't rest on the hope of a new relationship or the attention of others...and because of this, all relationships are a blessing to your life. Even in the struggle.

You are able to give more of yourself to others because through your intimacy with God, you learn the truest form of love... sacrifice.

 You don't have to worry over giving pieces of your heart away to be misused because the love that you give is not yours alone. It's rooted in Christ. It is not self centered and does not only pacify a need for company or affirmation.

Even when others let you down, or don't show up.

In your intimacy with God, you experience true love.

1 Corinthians 13:5-7New International Version (NIV)

"5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. "

And any relationships or friendships that enter your life are tangible ways of demonstrating the love you experience through your creator.

Love is 1 Corinthians 13:5-7 because it is God. Not because we have chosen the perfect people to build a life with.

I think this is why it's so important to experience God together in community, in family, in marriage, etc, etc. When we experience him together, we learn how to reflect true love to one another.

Ok, I'm done rambling. Haha :)

Peace and love!

Tiff

Reference:

1 John 4:7-10New International Version (NIV)

God’s Love and Ours

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Es el fin

Rejected!

I wanna talk about rejection.

Discussing this topic is tricky without exposing yourself to the risk of more of it.

But I think it'll be worth it. :)
----------------------------------------
We've all experienced forms of it.

Job interviews, friendships, dreams, lost relationships, closed doors, etc, etc.

That sinking moment, when you have finally had enough courage to put your heart on the line and expose a notion or possibility that you deem worthy of risking...and that idea is rejected. Passed up. Overlooked. Not wanted.

Incapable of tears, you are initially shocked that you actually pushed yourself to be brave and was met with a big, "no" sign. Just keep moving and distracting yourself and it might not be so bad...Until  one day it hits you like a ton of bricks.

You are human. You have real emotions and feelings and every now and then you will have to experience them. No matter how strong you are. Feeling the effects of a rejection does not mean you lack confidence or worse....that you really are as worthless as your rejection led you to believe.

Sometimes that rejection is brought on by timing, or life circumstances. Often is it accompanied by insecurities or fear. Occasionally it is plainly, you. You that is not desired by another. Ouch.

The source of that rejection may try to cushion your fall. It may tell you that you are cool after all, or you seem like you could be a qualified candidate, give you a "it's not you, it's me" speech and send you on your way. Society often likes to send the message that rejection is less painful if the whole truth is not revealed in one punch.

What I want to say on this topic is as follows, rejection hurts.  It has a serious way of messing with your head and if you allow it to, it feeds the lie that we sometimes tell ourselves. The untruth that we are not good enough. That we weren't enough for that opportunity or person. That something is wrong with us and thus we are not worthy of any dreams/hopes/opportunities/thoughts/ relationships/love.

The hurt of rejection can cripple us if we allow it. However, it can also be used to steer us away from unhealthy opportunities or situations. It may take a minute to grieve (and sometimes a minute is much more substantial amount of time) but eventually that sinking feeling will fade.

It will fade when you allow yourself to see past the few choices that you've allowed for yourself. Maybe when you find new jobs to apply for, a new hobby to foster your passion, when you don't have to see that person that hurt you anymore, and maybe when you wake up and remember that you were actually wonderful all along...and sometimes others don't recognize that. This is not an open commentary on why others don't see our potential...because honestly....who cares?!  That's their problem to sort out. They just don't. The opportunities and people who don't recognize our potential aren't the kind that will support us and help us grow.

Gotta let it go. It's alright to be sad for a time. It's normal. It's natural and inevitable. But then, pick yourself back up and take yourself out. Treat yourself with love and not disdain because there will be other BETTER opportunities and people who WILL RECOGNIZE YOUR POTENTIAL. Some of them may already be around you and perhaps you haven't recognized them yet.

The truth is, you're great. You're swell and the you you are is the you that you should be. You are enough because, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 1 Corinthians 12:9.

Embrace the possibilities. There are many to be had.

And when you're on your way, working on new opportunities, something else will find you and embrace you like you deserved all along...and I think that will be worth it...and you may be thankful that that prior situation rejected you because it wasn't best for you after all.

You're worth it and you always will be.

The end.

Tiff Loves Kids (on prayer and walking with God)

I held my youngest nephew in my arms tonight as he slept. I stared at his perfect little nose, long eye lashes and gently kissed the palms of his tiny little hands as he rested peacefully on my chest. My eyes welled up with tears as I held him. I love him so much. Even after experiencing being an aunt for the first time with my first nephew, I didn't know I could love another person this much. 
Especially one that is not mine.

I'm around kids all the time. I have a big family with lotso little ones running around, I teach Kindergarten through 2nd grade, volunteer in kids church and I often watch friend's kids so they can get a break every now and then. I'm cool with the kiddos. They're easy for me to relate with...and honestly, I just feel a strong sense of belonging with kids that I don't find with adults.

Because I'm around kids all the time, I've found that I need to put up some pretty high emotional walls so that I don't feel the full capacity of loneliness, later on. I have a strong desire to nurture kids and help them feel wanted. I've always known I would teach children that they are loved, important and capable. I just haven't always known what capacity that would take place in.

 At school, there have been a few kids, over the years, with difficult home lives that have said to me they wished they could live with me. I can't explain the joy this has brought my life. To know that there is a kid out there who sees some potential in me. That they think I would do a good job of taking care of someone else. That they love me and would trust me to take care of them. It's also a little disheartening. Mostly for the kid. I wish the best for all of my students. Also, a little for me. To know that after taking care of other people's children almost every day, I go home to a kind of lonely life on my own. 

I've accepted it and it's not all bad all the time, but I think a lot of women will understand this. For some of us, we just don't care that much about living a life for ourselves. We find great worth and identity in using our gifts to take care of someone else. 

I know I'm not the only woman who has found herself in this place in life. I'm not the type of girl who needs to be married with kids. I like taking care of myself most of the time and I'm not willing to put up with a guy that doesn't know how to value a partnership and healthy Christ-centered relationship. It's hard for me to even be in a relationship with a person, let alone allow myself to consider starting a life with someone...and I'm 27 and I'm not getting any younger, hah. Dating and relationships often leave me feeling even more lonely than when I am not with someone. That may be a result of my shy personality or dating the wrong type of men. I also believe, that it has been God trying to get my attention. Encouraging me to draw closer to him.

Ya know, there's a type of lady that drives me crazy. It's that baby crazed female who is on a mission to land a man and reproduce to finally reach the apex of womanhood. Why does this type of female bother me? Maybe it's the ounce of feminist in me, or for obvious reasons, haha; but maybe also because as much as I wish I couldn't...I do actually understand a smidgen of how she feels. To be confused as to why God places a desire in your heart that physically you are reminded of constanly...and may not be able to fulfill...and I have to say... this has made me angry for a long time.

Holding my sweet nephew tonight, I was reminded that I don't want to be a woman who hides the incredible love in her heart from the little ones in her life that God has blessed her with. My littlest nephew, he needs more people in his life to love him and support his parents. An aunt who will pray for him, encourage him, and be there for him if he ever needs me... and this is a very precious role that God has blessed me with. I hope I'm a decent aunt to him, cause I'm the only one he has! ;)

Maneuvering this season (whether it be temporary or permanent in my life), I am understanding this. Happily ever after does not start after. You have to live in it now. Some days may be glowing with love and fulfillment, while others may be a little hard to get through. It's ok to be sad. It doesn't mean that you are weak or aren't worth as much as others who have these things in their life. Never stop talking to God. He cares for you.

I've been praying more lately. Because even though it's easier to shut your mind off at the end of the day and not think of things that have bothered you or made you feel sad...it's healthy to talk with God about it and leave it at his feet. He is with you always and created you in love to have companionship with him. He wants a personal relationship with you.

This Psalm is a really beautiful reminder of our relationship with God. I'm challenging myself to read this daily. As much as we convince ourselves, trying to hide our hearts from God only hurts us. He already knows us better than we know ourselves anyway!
-His hand will guide us everywhere we go. Even the darkness will not be dark to him. The night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to God. He is all powerful. We can trust him to know us and take care of us.-

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Goodnight, friends!
Hope you're taking care of yourselves. :)