When Kindergartners Wash Feet: John 13:14-15

I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet. So you also should wash one another’s feet. I have given you an example. You should do as I have done for you. - John 13:14-15

I love this so much. Sometimes the greatest act of love and discipleship is being willing to serve in humility.

I've been reflecting this week on what makes an effective and strong leader at work, with my family, and with friends. It's difficult not to speak out when you feel it is your place. For me, I find this especially challenging when I see someone I care about hurting or being taken advantage of. This usually doesn't end well, though. Instead of rectifying the problem for the person being wronged, it sometimes draws more attention to their problem and escalates it for them. So what if instead of setting others straight, we find an opportunity to serve those in the wrong? Being the example isn't always advising them how to fix things. It's showing them how to love one another.

Today a kindergartner came up to me during stations and said that a little girl stole his glue and wouldn't give it back.
FYI: This kid tells on everyone for everything. With the little guys, I try to encourage them to solve problems with each other by acknowledging the problem (apologizing) and fixing it (showing each other that they will respect them in the future). Sometimes this needs to be accompanied by a consequence when their will overpowers their desire to learn a lesson. ;)

 Well, to be honest....I'm just getting tired of making everyone apologize to this kid all the time. Kids want justice so bad. Their little bodies scream, "Must...Receive...Justice...For...All...Wrong...Doing." Plus, the little girl has a very hard time getting along with others.

When he came to me to right the wrong, I told him, "I'm sorry buddy... Why don't you try forgiving her today?"
This kid looked at me like I was bat sh** crazy. "What?" he replied. "But she took it. It was mine and she took it Miss Heath! She won't give it back. Can you tell her to give it back?"

"That wasn't cool, friend. I'm sorry that happened to you....Do you think you can forgive her? She needed some glue and she didn't get it the right way, but maybe you can help her by showing her how to share. Try using good manners with her, ok?"

Unsatisfied, the little boy walked with crossed arms back to his table and stood next to the little girl .He stared at her for a while (he is a stubborn one). Finally after watching her use the glue for another minute, he said,  "I forgive you for taking my glue." (Reluctantly)

I giggled.

The little girl stopped her cut and glue project, looked up at him and said, "oh ...sorry." She handed him the glue but he gave it back to her!
 "Can I use it when you're done?" He said. *Triumph for good manners!* "Ok!" She said with a smile.

and don't you know...they shared that glue for the rest of the project.

:)

Of course, adult life is just a little more complex than letting someone who stole your glue use it first, but does it have to be?

Maybe that little girl will share her glue tomorrow. Maybe she won't. If I want her to learn to be a person that understands what sharing and loving means, she needs to encounter some love and forgiveness in her path. I don't think this is foreign to adult life. ;)

Love knows no record of wrong. It never fails.


REFERENCE:

John 13:1-17

New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Washes His Disciples’ Feet

13 It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

2 The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. 3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
8 “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
9 “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
10 Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” 11 For he knew who was going to betray him,and that was why he said not every one was clean.
12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

When You're Sad...

To the person out there who struggles with anxiety/depression,

This one is for you.

(Practical advice to myself and some I love)

Read me when you're sad, laying in bed, and cannot find the courage to face the world today.

Insert your name here,

YOU HAVE TO GET UP TODAY because you have a purpose.

You are loved by an almighty God. He made you in his image and for a reason. Some days sad thoughts will overwhelm you. Talk to Jesus when they do. He tells us to take captive every thought in obedience to God. Do not let the lies of negative thoughts and sadness steal the purpose God has for you. Do not hold your sadness inside and evade it. This is a recipe for anger and pro-longed resentment.

 Be guilt free, feeling this way is not your fault or sinful. Life has a way of hitting hard. I know he is quiet sometimes, but God cares for you. It's ok to be transparent in prayer. He already knows your thoughts and heart. You can admit if you are  feeling broken. He sees your beauty no matter the state our lives are in. Emotions can be deceiving, but you can always cast your burdens on Jesus...for he cares for you. For those of us who struggle with depression and anxiety, do not let other Christians make you feel ashamed or void of faith for experiencing low days. On these days, remember the truth above all else. You are very very important to Him. You are not being punished. You are extremely worth the journey to health.

 Never give up. Every day that you choose to get up, make breakfast, watch birds out the window, call a friend, go to work, venture to the grocery store, smile at a stranger... is a triumph. 

Be triumphant today.If you fail some days and give into the sad thoughts, it's alright. Every day is new. :)

Talk to someone you can trust. This may be a counselor, friend, mentor or Pastor. Don't feel like you owe everyone in your life an explanation. Not all friends are able to be this for you and may not give healthy advice. Love always protects, trusts and hopes. Many people you love may not understand this sadness. It's not because they don't care, they may not have a point of reference.
Surround yourself, however, with people who support you in the positive changes in your life. Negative friendships feed the sadness and can  trigger negative cycles more than you may realize. If I'm a person in your life you trust, hit me up. I'm a decent listener and all personal information stays that. I'd love to be a person like this for you.

Acknowledge what is bothering you so you can take captive your sad thoughts and rebuild them on the truth. This is actually a very important step in cognitive behavioral therapy. Identifying the negative thought, negating it and identifying the truth so you can establish healthy thinking patterns. Try not to only focus on the pain. Instead, hug someone, laugh, smile, create, run, sing and praise God that you are his. Sometimes  big life changes are not on the horizon. Quitting your job, moving, restoring your heart from a breakup, etc, may take a lot longer to pass. You do not need to figure out how to change everything today. All you need to know today is this, GOD wants to be your purpose and can be your cause if you let him. Even on those sad days.

Live a healthy lifestyle. It will have big impacts on your life.

Mindless entertainment and social media may numb these feelings for a while, but they are not healthy ways of dealing with issues that trigger your sadness in the long term.
Take some time to figure out what things make you feel the most alive. Spend more time on these things.

 It's never too late to learn something new. Spending time doing things that make you feel happy will fuel you into making positive changes later on down the line. 

Eating healthy, exercising regularly, volunteering for service projects, helping someone in need, having good routines and taking some time to organize your life a little so that chaos does not overwhelm you will help. It's difficult to hold your head above water when you are feeling overwhelmed. You may have to learn to take a few steps back. THIS IS HEALTHY. Friends and family may not completely understand this, but if you live in panic mode...you will tear those relationships apart without realizing it.

Always remember,

You are not alone. You are loved. You are precious. You have a purpose. Everyday that you choose to get out of bed is a triumph!

If you love or know someone who is struggling with anxiety or depression, hug them when you see them. Listen to them without judgment. They may not always need your advice either. Talking to someone who can  listen objectively (a counselor, etc) may be the most helpful for them anyway. Companionship can do wonders for the heart, though. Encourage and support their passions, dreams, loves. Dance with them, listen to music with them, laugh with them. Don't push them too hard when they need more time. Some days, will be like this. Let them know you love them and you care. They will know they can trust you when they are ready.

(To that special someone that was this for me, your compassion changed my life. It fueled me to keep going.The nights we went to shows, talked about Politics, God and Russel Brand were some of my most hopeful times.You were and continue to always be there to talk to about big or small things...Thank you for understanding that my failures were just missteps and encouraging me to keep going. I love you more than you will ever know.)

Peace and love,

Tiff

Life Update: May

Hi world,

There's nothing on my mind pressing enough to type into this text box. Instead, I'll take a minute to life update you. Ha! Actually, that shouldn't take more than a few seconds. ;) I haven't actually seen very many of you lately. Wish I knew if that will change soon.

Currently I am...

-Working lots.

-Lots.

-Deciding, exploring, searching for new places to live (including the decision of whether to stay West Valley, live with roommates, possibly relocate more central, or...dun dun dun... push myself into grad school out of state. This will most likely take longer to convince myself to do).

-Sleeping. (not cutesy napping, hardcore passed out  at 6:00 p.m. from exhaustion)

-Exploring new places in Phoenix, alone. (not sad. Extremely rewarding and confidence building).

-Singing lullabies. I've missed that. I would really love to write a few of my own...which leads me to...

-Writing really awful, sad poetry...this always seems to cycle back and pay homage to The Private Eyes, though. I can only be serious for so long.

-Actually choosing to read fiction over non-fiction. (I've needed something mindless to distract me). Currently reading Shadow Spell by Nora Roberts.

-Drinking coffee in new places.

-Introducing myself to total strangers and allowing myself to be vulnerable to the possibility of new friendships,etc, etc.

-Hugging (Charlie).

-Watching BBC's " The Paradise" on Netflix.

-Praying more. Reading devotionals less. Banning myself from Relevant for a while.

-Listening to Iggy Azalea and thugging out, white girl style with my windows down in my car.

-Dreaming of new ventures with my bestie. (My favorite update :D)

-Longing for big changes.
-Kicking around the idea of being a Cooperating Teacher for a Student Teacher next year. Big girl status!

-Running. Watch out boys. Workin' on that hottie body. (This is a joke)

-Visiting H&M too frequently...*shame shame, Tiffany*
-Wearing less makeup. Actually, generally I feel I've tipped the cute scale back a few notches. This is A-Ok with me. More time to sleep. :D

-Oh yeah, and I also switched Fabric Softeners to Downy Infusions, Honey Flower. Riveting. I know.

Meh, that's pretty much it.

Only a few weeks of work left. This summer, I'm not letting myself let loose and party hardy. I've got too many important things I need to focus on to make life easier/more enjoyable this next year.

Alrighty, I'm peacing out.

Love to you!

Tiff

He is there.

I wrote down some of the specifics of this in an iPhone note when I woke up this morning. I didn't ever want to forget.

Dream Log

4/19/2014

Wow. 

Last night I dreamt vividly of fears that have weighed on my heart for years. The panic of being trapped in these scenarios woke me throughout the night.  Made restless and not wanting to fall back to sleep into these nightmares; each time I closed my eyes and drifted away, my mind took me back to a place I didn't want to be. (My dreams betray me. Though, I can distract myself during the day, my thoughts and worries are often made real in my state of rest.) Sadly, I was unable to conquer any of my fears in these dreams.

One by one, these situations played out poorly and I could feel myself losing control, slowly in my sleep. On some level of understanding, I was aware that I was sleeping but I couldn't wake myself up enough to escape my thoughts. I lost myself in my fears at some point in the night and remember feeling scared and sad that I was repeatedly defeated.

 Before I woke up for the last time, I recall dreaming that I was standing on a tall  mountain away from all of the bad. When I looked down, I could see images of the chaos and fears of my life. However, the sun was beaming on my back so strongly and I could literally feel God with me. I knew that he was real and was really with me. No fears existed on that mountain. 

What a special promise.

Sin and fear can creep into your mind, but God's love and peace surpasses all of this if we allow him into our lives. He is all you need. His grace is sufficient for you.

I've been a Christian a long time. Not always a good one. Often a pretty foolish one. I still experience times in my life when I have a really hard time connecting with God. In times when my fears and sin overwhelm me, I don't understand how to talk with God. I push him away. I lose that intimate connection with him, and view him as an entity in the sky. 

God, thank you so much for this dream.

Even when I suck at relationships (mainly with you), you love me. Your peace reigned over my thoughts and reminded me that you are great. Your grace covers all of my sin.

No other words are needed.

He is there.

Goodnight friends, 

Love you all :)

Tiff

Dear future husband, (My perspective on dating/ relationship/ future spouses)

Disclaimer: I have a feeling this may be hard to read  and may receive some judgment because this is not a typical perspective in our world today, but it's my perspective and the only one I want.

Hey boy hey,

(Don't worry. I'm editing this so that I don't invade my personal boundaries on the interwebs. We'll talk more in the future. :P)

These thoughts have been a long time coming, and at some points were nearly given up on. I've had some clarity with the subject of you lately; and I want to write it down for us so that I can remind myself of it when I start to act up again. ;) We both know I lose focus pretty regularly.

Is it time yet?
I'm 27 now and the familia and friends think that I am not putting enough effort into finding you. They tell me not to be shy and that I just need a little practice with putting myself out there. Talking to boys has never been my strong suit and never will be. I'm very ok with that. I have a feeling you will be too.

 Many have tried to set me up in hopes of finding you, to no avail. Because of these efforts, I am extremely private about all "hey, I like you" situations. I've pursued some pretty half  hazard quasi-relationships with guys in hopes of figuring out who I was and what kind of a person I would want to spend most of my days with. Most, who did not understand my heart and did a crap job of taking care of it. A few, in particular, who did not value it and just used me to make themselves feel good. I knowingly accepted this because I thought that's what it took to date, put yourself out there, live with no regrets...and if I'm honest...it's very hard to wait for you for so long. Loneliness can be disheartening and seriously mess with your self esteem. I've been pretty foolish with who I've give pieces of my heart to with dating, and for that I'm sorry.

I love you, but I am not looking for you.
Let me explain.
I have prayed for you since I was a little girl. I have talked to God about you, most nights (with the exception of some angry and dark periods of my life in which, I closed my heart to the possibility of you). However, I never really hoped  for you or dreamed of you. When I was super young I would pray that God would keep you safe and remind you that I loved you. Slowly my prayers progressed into: help him to make wise choices, protect his heart, give him a good day, surround him with love, pleaseeeee help him to love music so I can respect him, keep dem hos away from my man, help him develop a deep love and passion for you, God, help him grow into a man that will lead me in my faith and change my flat tires. :) I didn't have a wedding planned out or dream of a beautiful wedding dress. I probably won't ever get real silly over that stuff either.
I'm the kind of girl that would accept a marriage proposal with a twisty tie on our way home from work. Amber says I shouldn't admit that and I might need to raise my standards on that one. Hah! She's probably right (thank God for wise friends, right?)

I don't believe in Prince Charming. Actually, I really don't like Prince Charming. He's dull, stuffy, and is way too prepster for me. Hah, sorry man. Don't get your panties in a wad. You're special to me and being that I am addressing this to future husband, I believe you are the only one for me. Someday I will choose you and you can be Prince Sometimes Charming. I anticipate that you're going to be more of my best friend and eternal #mcm. I like it when my married friends do that. I think it's too cute. To me you're not a hope or a dream, though. You are a promise. You are worthy of the sacred commitment I made to God when I was 16. One which I meant with my whole heart and will honor and keep until wedding time... and then it's so on. ;P  God put you in my heart when I was 7, and I believed that someday you'd show up in my life when it was time.

Because I'm not looking

So yeah, I'm working on building friendships. I've been trying to survive this big ol' dating world, man. Gettin' to know people slowly. It's a doozy. Silver lining is that I have some funny stories to share later on. Hopefully you do too. I like those. I'm not too concerned with your past. You are wonderful the way you are and hopefully your past has shaped you and made you into a person who you want to be.

This is probably awkward to bring up since I love you and all, but I'm waiting for you indefinitely. I'm not trying to find you. In the meantime, I might look a lot like someone who's chosen single life. Someone I love, who knows me extremely well, gave me some books about embracing single life last week and I have been enjoying them. A lot of good advice.  Hopefully I won't shut the door on the dating world, but it's pretty lame these days. I'm finding more happiness in my relationship with God, being a part of my community, my friendships, my family, even in the small victories in my job. I'm just not invested in looking for a person to complete me. Man translation: You will have to pursue me. Ha! I promise I won't play games, but I've done enough of the "Wanna go on a date?" over the last 11 years and I'm pretty over it. That mindset is total crap! Girls are too sensitive and vulnerable for that nonsense. We're precious and it's ok to wait for people who recognize that and want to treat you that way.

Today I was surrounded by so many old folks at this cool folk festival. I loved watching them interact. They are completely adorable. The thought occurred to me, what if I wait my whole life and meet someone when I'm in my 70's? That would be extremely precious, I think...and in the meantime I may just live a life full of purpose and be content with what God has give me.

Because I guess what I' trying to say

Is that I do have faith that you exist. Even though that has been extremely hard for me to admit lately. I like to believe I can do it all on my own...but really, God sends me people who pick up my slack all the time. Thanks God! In the meantime, enjoy your life! That's what I'm planning on doing! I'll meet up with ya later.


Love ya :)

Tiff

Lessons I'm Learning: Who I Want to Be

Dedicated to my future progenies  (that's True Blood talk for baby Vampires, but I just mean children). You probably don't exist yet (unless you're hanging out with another family right now) but I think about how much I love you often. I hope I do a half way decent job of living this out for future you. I promise it's important enough that I'm founding my life on it now.

First let's talk about role models. We all have them. Maybe they're celebrities, musicians, artists, authors, sport stars. Or maybe they're people in your life that mean a lot to you and you aspire to emulate.Who you choose to reflect can have a big impact on who you allow yourself to become and how you live your life.

When I was little, I had a role model, my momma. I dreamed of having a lovely voice like hers, being a mommy like her and mostly of being as beautiful as her. I wanted long hair, to wear pretty makeup, big girl shoes, and long swirly dresses that twirled when I would spin.

I really sought after this. I would dance around the house writing my own "songs". That's a generous description. Most of these "songs" were about kitties and doggies and were seriously lacking in substance. Also, I always had a baby doll in my hand that I was rocking and taking care of. My brother would steal them from me and smash their faces in. Which of course completely devastated me, until their faces would pop back out. I would sneak into mom's makeup when she was cooking dinner, put on her high heels and her swirliest dresses, and strut my little stuff with my hand on my hip around her room singing about my kitties and doggies. Do not be deceived by shy Tiffany. I've been known to work it. ;)

These sorts of activities carried on for quite some time. Sometimes even now, I enjoy "borrowing" from her closet and trying out her new makeup. Only now-a-days, it's more likely you'll see her borrowing an outfit from me. You're welcome, mom! 

I got older and the people I chose as role models changed. For a while it was the Pink Ranger, then it was Michelle Kwan, Miss Clavel, Sarah Plain and Tall, Meg from Little Women, News reporter April, Belle, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ruth, Jeff the Girl, etc. etc. Can't say I picked out bad role models. Just always had some sort of standard in mind for myself that I saw in other people. In high school and college, I set my standards a little higher. It was Abigail Adams, oh and Hayley Williams (cause, duh).
I always told myself, "I want to be like ____________ some day"...and for whatever dumb reason, that motivated me in the moment to be someone different from myself. I still do this. Mostly with fashion bloggers, authors, musicians, friends, educators, etc., etc.

Maybe you can have an easier time with this issue than I do. That's great, congrats! Hah. I struggle with this a lot. I allow myself to believe I am not good enough and I'm always comparing myself to others.All this looking up to other people, geez. Kinda impossible to live up to...and kinda looks a little like envy. As ugly as that sounds. No matter how humble you try to be about it. Wanting what others have, is never a healthy way of living and frankly it's not want God wants for you. Has ya wondering what standard you're living your life...and wishing that you didn't always fall so short in comparison to others.

I was reminded of this after a discussion with a friend about my joy yesterday. This brilliant lady whose shoes I used to steal, said to me recently, "COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY." I'm pretty sure Teddy Roosevelt said it first, but it's cool, ma. This hit me hard today while I was driving home.
When you live in a way that you never allow yourself to be enough, you are stealing away your opportunity for joy. Scratch that, when you focus more on what you don't have and want, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to experience God's joy NOW. There is so much beauty and joy in who God has created you to be and the experiences you may have now. Don't lose who you are in the future person you want to be. You don't need a pound of makeup, a rockstar voice or a fake accent to make you special. You already are. Just the way you are. *cue Bruno Mars. (Also, I just want to take time out to acknowledge that a fake accent would actually be extremely cool and I fully support you doing more of that. I will do one with you as well!)

All that being said, In Proverbs 31 the Bible  does talk about the kind of woman that is a pretty good gauge for us lady folk to pray about being like and seek after. She is a virtuous woman and she's the kind of gal that is a leader in her faith and love for God. Above all else she loves and fears (respects and reveres) the Lord.

Proverbs 31:30

"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised."

I wish I could go back and explain to little me, "You sing about those kitties and doggies, girl...but don't try to be the Pink Ranger. Pink isn't your color. It washes you out and future you doesn't want to fight Megazord every episode...and mostly, Tiff...there is someone who wants you the way you are now. You don't have to be anyone else in his presence. He loves your silly sense of humor and calm spirit and he wants you to experience true joy in him now and forever. Stay focused on him. Make him your bestie.

So, who I want to be...
Someone rooted in Christ. One who respects and fears the Lord. A woman who finds their value and joy in a life spent with her creator. No matter how many blessings or pitfalls. Above all else, one who praises him with all that she is.

Well,
That's all she wrote. :)

P.S. Would love to discuss, if you are interested in chatting. Feel free to comment below. Or chat in person.

 Love you all!
Tiff

Lemonade

Person reflections on God, life, love and the in-between.

There is so much I don't know right now.

 I don't know what I want to do with my life, what job I should work, where I should live, how or if I should date, if I even want a family anymore, if I should move and try something new, how to best support my family while still allowing myself to be young, how to put up distance with people who hurt you while still showing them Christ's love, who am I? What part of me am I able/willing to give others? How to balance my health, how to be intimate with God when dealing with anger,being confident in who God made me without being self centered, etc, etc.

I'm going to be super honest. I've been struggling with depression again since the last transition with moving home and some days are just really hard to keep my head above water when overwhelmed physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The cycle is so controlling and it takes every ounce of strength I have to get up most mornings and choose to live in joy. I have to stay really focused on healthy things that motivate me towards growth. I've always seen myself as a strong person, and  I don't allow myself to fall too deep into the control of self deprecating thoughts. Some days are so hard to connect with my creator, though, with clouded thoughts looming over me that I am struggling to fight off.

There's a laundry list of things I've tried and am eager to try in the future that I am hoping will help me get to the next step.

However,

There is one thing I know.

When I start to feel that pain and sadness, God's love always comforts me. He cares so much. 

I may not know what tomorrow will bring but I know who I want to be today, tomorrow and every day after that.

A woman who loves God above all else. 

No matter where I land tomorrow or ten years from now, I want to serve him daily with my life.

Whether I am in a massive group of people or alone in a quiet place. I will worship

 him with every ounce of who he has made me.

I want to genuinely loves others and not be afraid to extend compassion, support and encouragement. I will love all, without judgment or reservations.

I want to keep my eyes focused on him and allow him to lead the way to where he wants me. I've been messing my life up lately, struggling to hold onto the last bits of control I have.

It's time to let go.

 Not because I'm giving up on my dreams. Because my only dream is to live for Christ every day. I want to exist in love and obedience to my heavenly father who cares for me.

Today is day 1. I'm ready.

As a really beautiful promise, God has been working on renewing a passion in my heart. I'm not ready to share it yet, but am prayerfully considering new possibilities. I'm super happy about this. :)

Love,

Tiff

The Cutest

My mom told me the other day that every morning when she and my dad wake up, they take turns praying for each other.

This makes me smile.

To love Jesus above all else and serve him with their lives and in their relationship.

I want that someday.

This is majorly adorable.

Tiff

Life Update: Kid Love

My heart expanded today...

Let me explain,

I've felt a little lost lately. Something about recent changes and then again lack thereof, have pushed me back a couple steps. Opening up to people will always be a challenge for me. Particularly this season in my life. There are less people my age that I can share common experience, etc,etc with. When you can't relate with others, it's not easy to push yourself to foster healthy relationships.

At some point, you find yourself ready to run away and try to change your life on your own because of your unhappiness. The thought of someone caring for you or showing you empathy, worst of all sympathy,  makes you ill because you are so used to being the only one you have to rely on. 

OR, you push past how you feel and seek God and allow him to use this time of your life.

I don't want to retreat back to the past girl who hid her heart away from everyone. Mainly God. Feeling God's love so strongly in my existence every day now makes me want to shout it loud for everyone to hear. It's real and it's too beautiful to run from.

But if you choose the second one, he will eventually lead you back to others to experience community (good, challenging and sometimes painful). You may even make a mess of things along the way. I do that often. Social interaction. Ah. Does. Not. Compute.

Before you run, take another step back. 

Don't worry over how far back you've gone. You are loved by your heavenly father. You are of great value to him. He thinks you're swell no matter the degree of your progress. Stop trying to imagine the destination. Try not to compare yourself to others. God didn't create you alike. There is no expectation or rule book for your  life.

Let go. Love God. Live with others. Experience your life.

I've had a particularly difficult time in my job lately. Trying to understand why I continue to teach. How I'm going to manage the emotional, physical and mental stress of this career in my life... If I can reasonably manage it and future dreams. Primarily because it takes a lot of time and dedication and does not allow for a social life the same way other jobs do.

Thinking about it is exhausting.

My heart was a little bruised this morning and my brain reeling from the massive work load I had to accomplish.Walking into the school, I had the strongest urge to run away and hide.

I trudged through my work load and tried to manage the kids before specials as best as I could. When it came time to pick up kindergarten from music, I unlocked the gate and looked over at the very wiggly line. The littlest kindergartner was standing at the front of the line holding out his arms for me again. (He has some sensory needs which cause him to feel very scared. He asks for hugs every time he feels overwhelmed.) I smiled at him and walked closer to the line, he hugged me and placed his tiny hand in mine. We led our line through the gate,  hand in hand, and I glanced down at him. Biggest smile. In that moment I knew he felt loved and secure. I did too.

I am so lucky. Every day he shows me love. Even when he's yelling at me, hah. He now knows how to yell, "I am scared, Ms. Heath! I need a hug!". All of my concern about how I will manage my life... This career IS NOT about me. It is NOT a burden. It is a ministry and I am gaining from the love of these kids as much as they are benefiting from what I teach them. I may be tired, but everyday that I spend with them is a day that my life has been influenced by the heart of a child.

Later this afternoon, during first grade station time, I overheard the blue table having a theological discussion. Who is stronger? God or Hulk? Then it bunny trailed to who made God? Does God have a mom? My mom says God is the strongest. The majority ruled that that made the most sense.

How special.

I really do love these kids. They are my family. Sometimes my life stress overwhelms me, but man...here is an opportunity daily to share in love with amazing people. They don't know all of the pain, hurt, sadness, and fear of the world. They write each other cute notes that say, "I like you. Thanks for being my friend". 

They run to you to tell you as soon as someone gets a paper cut...and don't even try to suggest to them that it is not important. EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is important to them.

They are community in it's purest form. On this week of love, I get to be surrounded by the truest kind. Kid love.

My heart expanded today... and it's because God has me in a place where I am being forced to grow and experience love (even in a challenging state) daily.

Happy Valentines Week, friends.

<3 div="" tiff="">

Doors.

On waiting....


Hey God,

Why you gotta shut so many doors so hard?

Maybe leave one cracked for me so it doesn't feel so scary out here all alone? The blinds are closed tightly  but I can hear everyone inside partying without me. I just want to be part of something bigger than myself. I tried to shove myself through a couple doggie doors  recently but it totes wasn't happening.

Love you,
Tiff

P.S. Thanks for the flashlight. I've used it to ward off some solicitors and had a light saber fight with a strange new friend.

P.P.S. I'll be here, waiting patiently. How about making the next door you open up, a portal to a fantastic new dimension? Something with Unicorns...nah...make it Minotaurs...or maybe it's Centaurs. I just want to meet Mr. Tumnus.

At least consider it? :)

Good talk , God.